We left the room at 9.16am; and outside, a very traditional Cockney accented London cabbie (late 40s, thin)… (Wikipedia – an explanation of Cockney)

… with Lego figures on his dashboard (which I complimented – and he said his son made them to brighten his day) told us that the tube station was a couple of streets away, so Goodge Street got walked down and the station was reached. My mother started getting agitated by the ticket machines again, a Northern Line train was gotten on to, to somewhere I forgot, followed by the Elizabeth Line to Paddington; I was admiring the engineering of the carriages – with no doors between them – and how well they moved compared to the older ones, and 7 more stops and more overground track got the train to Kew Gardens station at 11.05am; then a couple more roads were walked along – and Lichfield Road led to Kew Road, and the Gardens at 11.13am – where a lot of stuff in the entrance area said ‘our future is botanic’ on it.

We had the booking confirmation bit of paper we had with us explained by someone at the entrance desk as just a ticket for the audio tour, not an entrance ticket; once we did get inside, the cafe was stopped at, and the map of the Gardens was peered at, an apple crumble muffin and a brownie were consumed while trying to fathom it, it took a lot of fathoming, and following my suggestion – it was decided we’d just go (and my phone said it was 23°C). The rose garden led to a path past the massive glasshouse, then past some massive trees; The Temperate House and The Great Pagoda were on the next bit…

…and it was 12.28pm when The Temperate House was entered (and felt incredibly humid) – containing, among a lot of other things, kiwi fruit plants; The Western Octagon led into the main block, by which point a boys primary school group seemed to be on their way round and a teacher seemed to be losing control. The Wolfson Octogan and The Southern Wing were browsed, and The Temperate House – which was left at 12.57pm, and the map still couldn’t be fathomed (and a couple – early 70s – were briefly asked if they knew where we were – and they were just as confused).

We reached the Great Pagoda (built in 1762) at around 1.10pm, and the (what I thought looked like) vomiting dragons around the edges were explained on a board inside. Cedar Walk was taken, a big pond/small lake was passed, and Syon Outlook was walked down to the edge of the Thames; what we thought was the riverside walk was walked down – and continued along due to the extreme confusion caused by the map, but a sign spotted at 1.50pm confirmed our suspicions (and we were around the Brentford entrance), a couple of Japanese women were walking around with umbrellas, the Childrens Garden had a lot of school kids in it, and then the Family Kitchen and shop were found. There was a salad bar with hot food next to it, and no metal forks to find, and it ended up being chilli con carne and salad being consumed (via metal spoons) and the strength of the red onions in the salad (rather than the chilli) made my nose run. At 2.37pm we got up again; I spotted some interesting green parrot like birds in a birch tree, then a 38 metre tall chestnut leaved oak (planted in 1846), and it was 2.50pm when we reached the glasshouse, and someone wearing a hat had been sat on grass sketching things.

The extreme humidity inside was a bit of a shock to the system, steam jets were blasting, and ginger, ebony, starfruit, encephalatos…

… bottle palms, sugar cane, edible fern, and bread fruit were among what I noticed before we left it at 3.08pm; some geese were strolling around the grass near the lake (and one was very willing to have his or her photo taken), and then we exited the place at 3.11pm and went down Lichfield Road, a road I forgot the name of, and several more I forgot the names of because confusion began kicking in with tickets and lines again, and we got on a District Line train.

On that one I spotted a couple of dogs, some school kids of various ages were on it, at St. James Park an ABBA Voyage was being advertised on a wall, a boy of about 8 on the train was consuming lots and lots of breadsticks; and we got off at Embankment just before 4pm. On a Bakerloo Line train we managed to sit down, and at Piccadilly Circus 10 minutes later things were becoming baked bean can like, we got off, I saw multiple adverts for Octopus Energy; and outside, flags were dangling over the street, police vans were intermittently spaced along it, and a cab was hailed without much effort. The hotel was briefly stopped at again – for luggage grabbing purposes, and on Portland Place at 4.25pm (when rush hour was clearly beginning) I spotted the Polish Embassy, and how the Low Emission Zone worked was wondered about. Madame Tussauds got passed, ShakeShuka – The Palestinian Kitchen, and the London Business School were spotted on Marylebone Road, and traffic was building; I forgot when we got to Marylebone, and the departures board was stared at (and was being stared at by a crowd of people gathering in front of it).

Due to it reaching peak time, our tickets weren’t working; we sat down again (and Mums tablet said it was 25°C), a boy (8 years old ish) was walking around with 2 pints of milk, the Bagel Factory opposite was having the odd person stop at it, crowds were beginning to ease off slightly by 5.45pm, and Mum had put her hat over her face and slumped in the rock solid seats we were sat on. Then an announcement was made about the 5.37pm train to Birmingham being cancelled due to track issues was made, my buttocks were beginning to go numb, and by 6pm – Mum started twitching; a small girl on a small scooter was holding a tiny plastic water bottle, a woman several seats along the row of rock solid chairs had very strange massive blue plastic earrings dangling out of her ears, and then Mum said something I couldn’t quite hear about a pigeon and about the structure of someone’s tibia, and a man leaving the station seemed to be trying to play the big wooden recorder he was holding. By 6.40pm – the 6.37pm train to Birmingham Snow Hill was being delayed due to track issues in the Banbury area; and at 6.55pm, ‘platform 2’ popped up on the departures board by that train – and everyone seated leapt up and made a dash – including us (and it was 8.54pm when we made it home).