It was 11am when I headed out into town – for the purpose of investigating a market I’d heard was going on – and there were shrivelled daffodills everywhere, but all sorts of insects were making the most of what was sprouting…

… and there was a spaniel of some sort was wearing a purple onesie while being walked up an avenue by a man pushing a pram, what appeared to be a bird box (which said ‘LISTEN’ on it) was on a tree stump by the tennis courts, pigeons were making noises on the grass, and a stick thin quite short man with a walking stick had a very limp sock hat on, was very very side leaning and holding a pack of luxury soft loo rolls; and on the high street, a slightly odd twirling thing that would probably be termed ‘a ride’ was spinning (on the road between Tesco’s and Poundland).

A stall that seemed to be titled ‘The Mango Stall’ was selling plastic toy sort of things and advertising 3D printing…

…’Sweet Treats’ had Biscoff stuffed brownies on it, and the next one was selling croc charms and mini figures; the one after that was more artistic, followed by one manned by a Chinese looking woman in a massive waterproof selling beaded window charms (and I spotted some in the shape of Spongebob).

A Scotch Kitchen stall seemed to be selling African cuisine; and the one next to that said ‘experience of touching and feeling the Aegan’ on it, with a small board that had ‘6 good reasons to own a peshtemal’ on it (which seemed to be some sort of handwoven towel); a man who looked very very like his dog was stood by a stall called The Whole Hog on a side street – which also had ‘Churros and Chocolate’ on it;

Percys Hot Dogs was advertising jumbo brockwurst; and I noticed a couple of kids riding scooters around inside the shopping centre at high speed. The other end of the side street had a rabbit, a couple of lambs, a biggish couple of ducklings, a couple of guinea pigs and a Shetland pony (wearing a pink waterproof) under a tent, with a Marlborough Hunter horse box (which had a woman smoking cigarettes in it and an ambulance next to it), and the woman running the stall told me Jemima is a petting pony.

Back on the high street – Sicilian arancini and Sicilian cannoli were on one (and a notice seemed to reveal them to be rice balls); The Cookie Jars cookies were enormous – and advertised cookie pies and things called blondies (and upon investigating later – I discovered they’re butterscotch brownies); bees, tortoises, turtles, chickens, flowers, and a lot of other stuff was on a crochet knitting stall; and several tables down the street (next to one selling stained glass) was ‘The Dog Deli’ – and a dog in a waterproof was getting excited by pizzles (and puffed pig snout and beef trachea were among things for sale); a woman holding a big bunch of helium balloons (including SpongeBob Squarepants shaped ones) looked extremely grumpy, and another stall caused me to discover what kalamkari, and kilim and pateh are. The one next to that was paintings of foodstuffs – including Kellogg’s cornflakes, vegemite, a half eaten crème egg…

…sprouts, and a couple of different types of marmite; a 3D printing specialists tent was next to The Love Of Pies, and there were octopus sort of things, very cute pompom like sheep and dressed up ducks, and 3D printed 2ft long dragons were priced at £30. A bloke who didn’t look the type to be interested in parfum was poking his phone behind the counter of ‘The Parfum Club’ and gave me a leaflet; Mad Batter Bakes didn’t look very mad, 1 selling lots and lots of rocks was playing ‘please don’t stop the music’ (loudly), and the last one on that side was selling maps; and I heard hooting noises – coming from a ‘train’ going backwards and forwards on a tiny bit of ‘track’ on another street.

I began my way back up the other side of the road at 1.10pm: Slow Toad Candles were also selling postcards – and were next to a sweet potato spirit stall advertising ‘toffee apple moonshine’, designer leg wear was between that one and a slightly odd natural plant medicines one – and the bloke behind it seemed to be discussing blow jobs with a customer. The Little Garlic Plate was selling very pretty plates that seemed to be an old Spanish idea (they’re ridged – so rubbing stuff on it grates the substance), and I was right next to a cash point and couldn’t restrain myself; and I had a chat to the man running it – who said a Spanish company makes them for him and uses little wheels to make the ridges.

On the other side of the road was an Anytime Fitness board saying ‘do you have what it takes to lift Thors hammer?’ (there was a 20kg one and a 50kg one); a Mr & Mrs Oliver Stall was selling a heck of a lot of baklava; and lots of cake/biscuity things (including Biscoff cookie pie and doughnut cookies) were on the Shelly B Bakes stall next door. There was some sort of pink (quite posh looking) alcohol on a stall next to one with lots of knitted stuff on it (and the woman running it was knitting behind the table); black pudding sausage rolls were next to a Stirling silver one, I heard a man in a puffa jacket fart as he passed, ‘ouds’ were among products at an Arabic sort of stall; and peshtemal was another product – and a board said ‘6 good reasons to own a peshtemal’ and ‘Transform your bath routine’ on it.

There were some paintings of not very happy looking dogs on the next 1…

…a Japanese looking lady was manning a table of window charm things; Biscoff stuffed brownies were on the second to last stall and an American woman was behind the last (the banner said 3D printed on it); the spinning wheel of trains was still spinning at the top of the high street, and the Hook A Duck tent wasn’t looking that popular. It was 2.10pm then, my teeth were chattering and I didn’t really want to know what my hair looked like (as it was soggy and I’d been pulling the hood of my coat up and down a lot), ‘please don’t stop the music’ had got stuck in my head (due to it playing at a stall I forgot), ‘Cars At The Spa’ was being advertised on a fence banner by the park, and I forgot when I made it home.