It was 4°C at 9.27am, and the bells of the church at the end of the road were ringing when we left, bright sun was out but frost remained in the places it hadn’t shone on; there was barely any traffic in the town, crocuses on some verges, seagulls on the park pond, a car that said ‘Hoonigan’ on it was making loud noises on a road, and a slightly stoned looking man was smoking a pipe while walking down the pavement. Google Maps was tracking us – and ‘Hungry Horse’ was a place labelled on it nearby; mist was still rising off fields either side of the Fosse Way (and I noticed on the map that Bromson Hill nursing home was right next to Aspire Equestrian Livery Services – causing some wondering about whether equestrian therapy might be a thing done by seniors, and I was reminded of the lady who had a rave on her 105th birthday), and Mum was driving rather fast and I was bouncing around a bit.

I forgot when we arrived at the art gallery because the closed doors started agitating her; I noticed a couple of odd things in the window (including something called a crocodile pull-along), FLWR PWRS was on the back of a person’s coat; and in reception – a ticket office woman (who also told us that 10am is when they open – not a slot) (as ‘your slot is’ was the phrase used when booking) told us to take as much time as we could to ‘let the magic happen’ in the Breathing the Forest installation. That had a board in it about the ‘Sculpture In The Park’ – mentioning Helen Chadwick’s ‘piss flowers’ (created by urinating on a flower shaped mould in snow and then casting it in bronze), a couple of what were thought to be badger skulls were visible, and a big Golden Retriever called Jim was yanking his owner through reception.

A very very old looking book called Stanley’s stick was on a shelf; Mum sat on a bench and stared at a TV screen showing a little film about Capability Brown and the estate, there were leaflets titled ‘Marshmallow Laser Feast – Breathing With The Forest – Open Eyed Meditations at Compton Verney’, and a lead dressing mallet (which Mum thought would be useful to have in the house in case of intruders). Then outside was a tree with a massive hole in it, a poke-able screen with a map on it (mentioning Helen Chadwick’s ‘piss flowers’ again), and noises that were either gunshots or a pigeon scarer (used by farmers to try and prevent pigeons pecking the crops); and the piss flowers themselves were in front of the House.

Once inside the building – I got Mum a coffee, a small girl had really big blue earmuffs on, and a lady had half her grey hair dyed purple; while seated – I was told that liver lines are between your eyebrows and if you have a liver problem you get very bad liver lines (which I later checked – and discovered Chinese face mapping)(which isn’t scientific), corned beef hash was mentioned and I forgot why; and it was just before 11am that we entered the rooms with paintings of Naples from the 18th century depicting the eruption of Vesuvius.

There were lumps of Vesuvius lava dangling from the ceiling, a childrens play set involved building stuff with wooden bricks – before demolishing it via more lumps and an air pump…

…another air pump was pumping out smells of dead fish, and then there was a painting (from around 1770) called The Bay Of Naples, sculptures of ladies with massive bosoms, and a pump emitting perfumed glove smells; and then at 11.15am – the ‘Breathing in the forest’ room was walked into.

It was very dark, there were 2 massive screens showing this (in my opinion – quite unrealistic) forest, which also had lots and lots of bubbles in it (and the way the bubbles were going pop were making it look more like a marine environment) – with the purpose of getting people to focus on the scene and meditate and control their breathing for a relaxing experience (and I was wondering about worms and rabbits), a child was rolling around on the floor, and it was 11.30am when we left the room.

The next 1 was titled ‘The River of Black Stone’, had some massive rocks in it which were from a site of volcanic activity (most of which were white); the room after that’s rocks were white – and a tiny painting looked like a dog doing a poo; the next one was The Ides Of Somnolence, was very dark, had recorded poetry being played via a loud speaker, and had some disintegrating metal stuff on the walls (including what may’ve been a duck and a carrot). By 11.42am we were in a ‘Chinese discovery room’ – with a couple of big bronze statues (1 was holding a replacement wooden sword); the next 1 had lots and lots of food, wine and cooking vessels – as well as horse statues (and The Heavenly Horse had very big testicles); and up some more stairs was a folk art exhibition (with an vac-chair outside it) – including pigs, a 3 legged dog toasting fork and a big metal ladle, and a sculpture of a really really big man. Up the next set of stairs (a sign said The Attic Gallery) were more paintings, a massive teapot, another sculpture of a big man missing an arm, a big gold swan, and a really big pestle and mortar; and then a cabbage grater, paintings of an unpleasant looking dentists surgery and an unpleasant barber, and 1 of unusual looking pigs.

At 12.15pm a lift (which said it’s maximum load was three thousand kilograms and forty people) was taken down to the ground floor, and the cafe sort of restaurant was sat in; a chapel was signposted, a carrot and pistachio cake had very green icing on it; and in the shop were Compton Verney fried eggs, gin and tonic chocolate, chocolate limes and sweets called retro chews, peculiar eco jewellery, dinner date puzzles, and some t-shirts with massive pigs on them. Our food appeared, a child was doing percussion with his cutlery on a table, another one – in wellies – passing by pointed at me, a woman’s hoodie said Hogwarts on it; ginger and pumpkin slices and banana and butterscotch cake were amongst the cakes available (and £4.75 was the cost of 1 slice of carrot and pistachio cake).

We got up at 1.10pm to go for a stroll outside in the Capability Brown landscape, sun was very very bright, and 3 jet trails, a propeller plane and some seagulls were in the sky; Mum was clutching her cake slice – and pointed out a strange sculpture/metal wiggles; there was a sculpture of a horse and cart with what looked like giant pistachio nuts on it, and 1 of an enormous spider…

…then at 1.30pm we went through a gate, some swans were drifting around on the lake; the unmade bed sculpture by Tracy Emin (in 1998 – and it got nominated for the 1999 Turner Prize) and Andy Warhol soup cans (in 1962) were remembered while crossing a field; and we got very gooey shoes in a muddy patch by a gate – where a mother (who said ‘bit of a stupid idea really, coming this way with a pram’) was struggling with a pram (that had a child in it) and a toddler walking in wellies.

Then extreme gooeyness, loud squelching noises, lots and lots of mud, and Mum doing some whimpering and saying ‘I want to go home now’ came before reaching a gate – which wouldn’t open, so we had to turn left and continue through the gooeyness; and it was 2.10pm when we got to a gate to tarmac, she stopped whimpering, and that tarmac was how the car was reached 10 minutes later (and Mum was still clutching her cake).