When we left the hotel we were staying at in Sunderland, it was 11am, sun was out, the A1231 was walked up, the traffic cones balanced on top of each other were passed; and a few more things I forgot before Park Lane Interchange – where there were lots of double decker buses, a few seagulls, a vape store called ‘Vape With Us’; and up on the platform – a man was mostly horizontal on the concrete, and Ocean Saver dishwasher tablets were advertised.

On the train at 11.35am there weren’t many people, and it felt extremely humid; the River Wear was crossed at 11.40am, a lady started fanning herself (with a very pretty fabric fan), and couple of level crossings were whizzed across; a boy had black painted nails; Fellgate was stopped at at 11.53am, and we got off at 12.08pm – in Newcastle.

There, we couldn’t find the left luggage place that had been mentioned to us, I was photographing frantically, and I suggested we asked at The (posh looking) Royal Station Hotel – on Neville Street – so we did, were allowed to leave our luggage there, and we got a map.

Back outside was a big statue, seagulls were making noises, and Westgate Road had a place advertising red light therapy; and Newcastle Castle at the end of it was – at 11.30am – welcoming tiny school kids (about 7 years old and all in florescent yellow jackets).

We went up some stairs, a gift shop contained lots of rubber ducks, skull shaped shot glasses, rubber rats, plastic swords, and tiddlywinks (among lots of other stuff); and then we went up some more stairs.

A room up there gave a brief explanation of people and their deaths (and someone appeared to have been given a tobacco enema and the doctor was very impressed by the results), there were 3 paintings of cats; and then various pieces of decomposing shoes, leather, and pottery were on display, and the differences between cobblers and cordwainers were explained on a board.

Out in the sunshine again were a few more information boards, and the explanation of a heron pit and who Lyddell Sawyer was; a bit further down some stone steps was something I forgot – because it began smelling weird and looking like a drugs den, I persuaded Mum to do a u- turn, we came up a hill while looking for Newcastle Cathedral (just beyond Amen Corner) and it was entered at 12.26pm.

It had some big stone statues in the entrance area, bits of disintegrating fabric were dangling from the ceiling, a woman was wandering around with no shoes on, there was a table for kids to do brass rubbing, very impressive windows, massive black stone slabs, and a man on a blanket in the corner. I photographed stuff, Mum wanted coffee, and by 1.45pm we were sat in ‘Cafe 16’ (with a Cocaine Anonymous poster on the wall), and 8 people with instruments were gathering in a corner (including a man with a couple of ancient looking accordions). I quietly filmed their first song, and thought I knew the third one – so filmed most of that (being played by 2 violins, 1 accordion, 2 guitars, a couple of what looked like really long recorders, and an instrument that looked like a violin but the lady was holding it in the position of a guitar)(and Mum wondered if it was a lute), and we were applauding them after each song.

That meant it was 2.45pm when we left, the sun felt really hot outside, a man was horizontal on a stone bench (and his socks were falling off), and what a board explained as the vampire rabbit was peering down from above a door; Collingwood Street had a bar called The Vampire Rabbit (with an interesting cocktail menu outside), and a big statue of a man said ‘Stephenson’ on it, not far from The Royal Station Hotel.

There, we collected our luggage, then walked the couple of hundred metres down the street to the station; and there, we sat down and began some people watching: a man was wearing something I forgot, a lot of people had headphones either stuck in or on, a baby in a pram was having a good look around and wiggling his or her legs around, a lady’s leather bag had an interesting cartoon monkey on it; and just before 4pm, platform 11 popped up on the departures board for our train. We went through the barriers, a wobbly Aleways shop was on the other side of the platform, a bloke (early 30s) had a cigarette behind his ear, we boarded at about 4.15pm – and it left 15 minutes later (when I was feeling increasingly dehydrated).

By 4.45pm the train was in Durham and the Met Office thought it was 25°C, then a ticket checker came along zapping tickets; Mum lost consciousness shortly after that, sun remained very bright, and I forgot when the train stopped at Darlington because I had accordion music stuck in my head. I noticed electricity pylons being constructed, York was stopped at, and then there was almost nothing but farmland for quite a long time (and I noticed a place called Eggbourough on Google Maps)(and an elderly lady across the aisle appeared to be growing a slight moustache).

At 6.10pm – due to a very short amount of time between this train and our next departure, we went and stood by a door; I was told Sheffield was a cutlery making town, a District Energy station was quite close to the train station, and we got off, then got back on almost immediately due to confusion over which trains went where. I saw more fields and woodland before the outskirts of Derby – and a lot of people got off and a lot got on somewhere I forgot because Mum wanted help with her tablet, and someone started having a loud conversation while with the other person on speakerphone.

By 7.20pm we were passing Tamworth, a bloke told the boy next to him about smoking weed and seemed to have given him his number; and I forgot when we got off in Birmingham, because Mum marched off towards the departures boards and the mass of colours and letters used to label the zones had to be fathomed (and I noticed Ozzy The Bull – this metal thing came into existence during the 2022 Commonwealth Games)

Down on platform 3A the train to Bournemouth had been delayed by 4 minutes; that became 40 minutes and the platform changed; we got let through all the ticket barriers when going to the other one, announcements being made mentioned ‘delay repay’, and the board said ‘ delayed due to train crew being delayed by service disruption’. The train on that platform didn’t say where it was going, we got on it, I got out the muffins nicked at breakfast time, and it was 8.43pm when it moved; Birmingham International was stopped at; and then our stop at 9.25pm. A taxi was gotten into; and at 9.38pm we made it home: we both thought the house smelt weird, unpacking began, there was post in the post box, my room felt like a sauna, I did my ablutions, and forgot when I went flop.