We departed our house at 10.25am – with Google giving directions, and the car thought it was 12’C; there were roadworks all around Stratford Upon Avon, the pub called The Stag had banners advertising The Piston Club, the little village of Arrow was driven through on a very wiggly road, a group of big birds were drifting around over fields, a sign for an Inkberrow relay race was somewhere I forgot; and Google didn’t think we’d quite arrived at our destination when we parked in a field at Morton Hall just after 11am.
Cars were being directed into rows by a human in a fluorescent jacket; we got out and went along some very tough black boarding across muddy ground to a tent – and there, an enthusiastic woman was very enthusiastic about showing us a map. I spotted a childrens trail for Mum (who enjoys being childish and doing these activities while out and about), sheep were making loud noises in nearby fields as we walked up a path with very long grass and little yellow and blue flowers (which Google later thought were camassia) either side, and some massive trees. A massive tent with food smells wafting out was at the top; and once beneath a small pergola – a patch of grass had a little dribbling fountain, lots of tulips, another tent was there with rotating stands of greetings cards under it, and a big dog that looked like a brown and white German Shepherd was under a table (manned by 2 women). A black and white dog of similar fluffiness was just visible when I went closer, and a mens costume with a codpiece was pointed out to me; a man in a Mercedes-Benz waterproof had a lot of hair growing out of his earholes; there were black tulips, a lady with purple hair, and we went up to a wooden gate overlooking a metal one, and the metal one (which said on it ’criminals beware – this area is protected by smartwater’) was going down towards a big metal barn.
Mum had already named the sheep on the activity sheet as Sheila, we went through a metal archway, there were shrivelled daffodils everywhere, tulips still upright, the Malvern hills way off in the distance were pointed out to me; and then I noticed six fluffy black sheep with very long horns under a tree.
There were Andy Loos ‘signature toilet’ blocks by the stables (making the area smell of soap), horses inside the stables were chewing hay and looking a bit confused, a stone statue of a man stood on a fish was nearby – and almost opposite a big food tent, a massive tree said (via a tiny metal plaque) ‘sequoiadendron giganteum’ on it, and then we went through a hedge. A huge food tent was also advertising a free takeaway service, a decrepit looking lady had earmuffs on, a little pond – down some more stone steps/rocks – had lily pads on it, a man walking past while I photographed it was saying to his companion ‘we’ll poison ‘em again’, a strange stone statue of what Mum thought was a fish was near what she termed ‘a rockery’ – which had some very smelly yellow flowers in it (which Google thought were Euphorbia Mellifera) – and that was being overlooked by a couple of costumes.
A wrinkly lady said to her friend ‘imagine doing ‘em button holes’, a couple of St. Johns Ambulance people were sat by that shed, and Mum pointed out a photo of a scene that included a lady stood with a man partially under her skirt; the Ambulance people seemed concerned about someone who didn’t look right, dandelions and buttercups were surrounding what the activity sheet said was a stone monoptores (and a lady nearby said it looked like something out of Star Trek), and cow and crow noises were intermittent.
Mum went and asked for answers from the entrance tent, a man (whose name badge said Rod and was wearing a suit) was sat there; and a meadow-y hedged area led to the entrance tent area. I wasn’t sure if I’d noticed the little rainbow windsock on the way in, a massive mound of poo (to the side of the field being used for car parking) was pointed out to me, blobs of sheep poo were all over the field, and the car was returned to just before 1pm; then when the exit to the field was approached, a big red sign said ‘temporary obstruction 10 minute delay’ on it, and 2 people in florescent jackets were overseeing things. Mum started eating stuff (I had an oatcake donated to me) and turned the radio on; then cars were waved forward; and on the lane we progressed on to I saw a sign about an Inkberrow relay race, and The Black Pig Company. Cold Comfort Lane wasn’t far from Kings Coughton (where a rugby club was advertising car washing and valeting); and we got to Coughton Court, and in the shop I noticed a massive jar of dog biscuits, and all sorts of mini farm equipment sets.
Due to house entry costing £15.50, we went through an archway, I noticed a cat flap in a door, a tiny second hand bookshop selling jigsaws, and a big cupboard/pottery area (that was dark and may’ve once been a stable) trying to sell personalised wedding planters; continuing round the back of the house meant I noticed a flag flying, some loudly honking geese flew over, cow and sheep noises were coming from all directions; and outside a church were bits of wood with glass covered holes in with ludicrous prices. Inside, an Artisan Alchemy exhibition by The Feckenham Artists was being done – and a table of wet felted stuff included a carrot, what I thought looked like a codpiece, and a cartoon caterpillar; another table had fabric animal heads and smiling tomatoes, and several different sizes of gonk; and a couple of strange paintings seemed to be deliberately blurry ones of naked women in peculiar positions.
We left again, cow noises got louder, geese honked; and back down the path, St Peters Church was diverted off to – and we had a look inside (it had several big tombs – and I was told Guy Fawkes drew up his plan to blow up parliament from Coombe Abbey (Coughton was where arms and ammunition were to be stored); and what appeared to have once been a dog graveyard was off to one side of the pathway returning to the car park – and the car moved at 2.17pm and said it was 13°C.
A big blue banner on/partially in a hedge was advertising something called The Ideal Husband, a car with ginormous wheels had the numberplate DIIIGA, the river looked high and the number of cars trying to get into Stratford was enormous, a place I thought was called The Kissing Tree was signposted, and at 3pm the road that went through Loxley was extremely bumpy, a massive orange windsock was on Loxley Lane (by Welsbourne airfield), we followed a cyclist in lycra through Charlecote – where the Park looked busy, and covered in buttercups; and we continued into Hampton Lucy, and parked in a field on Church Street where a man was stood by a gate and smoking.
We got out, crossed a bridge over a river with a lot of green plants in it, turned down a grassy path with big midges everywhere, saw a swan on the river; and got to the Mill – which was making very traditional watermill noises. A sign dangling from a wooden beam on the ceiling said ‘you will leave dusty. Consider that a freebie’, Mum purchased a massive bag of flour (I noticed 20kg bags of stoneground and chapatti flour as well); we went down a grassy path and had a quick look at the mill mechanism (which was very loud and in a very dark area/room) – and I tried to photograph it before we went back the way we came, and heard a cuckoo nearby.
A cat was sat on the roof of a car back in our road at 4.20pm; and back inside the kettle got boiled, and my latest attempt to fathom how the accidental recipe invention of cranmarmwell tart (invented while trying to make Bakewell tart and the proper filling not being available – and therefore I used cranberry sauce and marmalade) came about was the substance consumed for tea time.
