The car moved at 9.48am this morning – in 20°C temperatures; posters for this Farm Fest were all along Stoneleigh Road; and we reached a field 5 minutes later – where there were car park attendants in fluorescent jackets and men in security guard vests who were directing cars into rows (Mum termed it ‘imaginary spaces’). Once out of the car, I was wondering how many more freckles I’d have by the end of the day, our bags got briefly peered into by another man, we were given paper wristbands that were a bit tricky to get on, then began the days wandering by following signs along a row of big barns.

The British Rare Breeds Survival Trust barn smelt like poo and had Elvis and Wilma the Mediterranean Water Buffalo in it…

…several little Pug dogs were being wheeled around in a pram; and there were more water buffalo, Hampshire Down sheep, a couple of goats, and some Hereford cattle with massive horns in individual gated areas, and a bloke called Rob (thin, early 50s) had a chat to us about the cows personalities (including a mischievous bull). A Yellowstone bull in a fenced off area was doing something I forgot, because we got talking to a lady by the Longhorn Cattle part, who mentioned the Rousham estate in Oxfordshire; and there were more sheep (in fenced off areas): Oxford Down sheep, Manx Loaghtan sheep (which had massive horns)(and a lady was doing something with wool behind their pen), Galway sheep (with a sheep called Willowfield Erbert), Shetland sheep, and Aston Cotswold sheep.

In the childrens bit, little toy tractors had been made into tap covers, there was an area of hay bales that could be sat on, free face painting (with the faces on offer being sheep, flowers, tractors and cows), and poles that said ‘come join us for wand making’ on. In front of a stage sort of thing, a man was saying stuff into a microphone on his head, a cow did a poo, a big purple tractor that I wasn’t sure was genuine was parked by the straw bales being used as seats, and a cow/person dressed as a cow called Heidi was wandering around and being addressed by the man with the microphone on his head. Mum wanted food, and in the cafe, I saw apple pie cookies, tins of something I forgot, a bear made of straw, lots of alcohol (including moonshine liqueur in 700ml jars), interesting coconut oaties, apple pie cookies (which I’d forgotten I’d seen 5 minutes earlier), and some massive loaves of bread while wandering.

Out the other side, The Posh Shed Company had a tent, interesting huge pebble water features were next to a tent with £7000 hot tubs under it; and interesting ‘100% electric solar Earth Rovers’ were demonstrating their ploughing ability.

A couple of massive Shire horses were in a pen with a small pony…

…a small tent labelled as ‘Scotfield’ had lovely fluffy soft toys on it and I had a brief chat to the lady sat there; then a big field with some massive tractors parked around it seemed to contain several teenagers beginning a challenge – involving 216 pints of water, beer, racing around, and doing some leaping over hay bales.

There were vintage tractors on display (including ones labelled as ‘Oliver’ and ‘Gary’)…

…and an ice cream stall still had a very very long queue; a man called Mr Thatcher was showing thatching of straw hats; the tent next door was demonstrating what could be carved with a chainsaw (including a big owl, collie dog, and the upper body of a bear)…

… and the Society of Master Saddlers was between that one and ‘Forest Sticks’ (making walking sticks out of tree branches) and a lot of willow baskets. Loud music and a man with a microphone were by Ford Go Electric tents – challenging people to reverse a trailer (and the man tried to commentate), and the one next door to that seemed to be for chainsaw challenges (being filmed by Amazon).

We sat on a bench, the blokes started warming up their chainsaws and I couldn’t hear what Mum was saying; then the specifications of the saws were read out, they were revved, and Mum stuck her fingers in her ears. The man with the microphone said stuff about fuel injected chainsaws, by which time the 2 blokes doing this challenge had harnesses on; then the man with the microphone yelled ‘stand to your timber’, loud noises were made – and got even louder due to some cheering as the blokes each climbed up a wooden pole and then chucked water over the other.

We went into the next field, and an absolutely massive Ferris wheel became visible, then a smaller one, a stall selling dog ice cream; and Trolls Bottom Mead and baklava were on sale amongst a row of food stalls/tents – which Mum emerged from (while chewing a bit of sausage she’d been given by someone walking around with a plate) before me, while a small child was trying to give a big fluffy cow soft toy a piggyback. Buzz Bobble hats (with detachable bobbles) were next to smart glasses; an Equine Collection tent had sports bras on display, and the World Of Horses arena had a horse ambulance at the ready in it. The next row began with Crown Oak Furniture (and big signs saying ‘Trespassers will be shot upon site’), and sheep wool bed linen; a lady from a Multimedia Artist stall came over and asked why I was taking notes, so I explained myself; and stalls in the Farmers Market tent included champagne cider banoffee and vodka spirits in little bottles, varieties of Bruce Cake on The Happy Cow stall (I discovered that the substance is chocolate cake inspired by the famous character Bruce Bogtrotter from Roald Dahl’s classic book and film, Matilda).

I was told about a film called Fifty First Dates (from 2004), and about bits of animals, and was given a small rubber Donald Trump dog toy after explaining myself to people from Natural Nibbles; and Artisan sausage rolls included ‘pork, marmite and cheddar’ flavour; there were gourmet marshmallows, and The Yummy Yank stall had Drunken Pig in the Mud brownies.

Chainsaw noises were continuing as we went back the way we came; Socktopus socks were on the Duck Hut stall, and the man there thought I was a reporter, so I explained myself again, and my memory was enquired about a bit (nicely); then Mum wanted goat ice cream, and we sat in bright sunshine by a ginormous John Deere tractor, I was burning, and a boy with a protein drink was flat on his back by the tractor.

Another big hall opposite the one we’d come out of had autonomous tractors, and big drones; the UK National Livestock Biobank stall had a lady (mid 30s) who thought I was a journalist, so I explained myself again (and she thought I’d done well to make something positive out of the encephalitis); and after that, we walked back to where we came in while Mum tried to work out if we’d been everywhere. A Norfolk Terrier who looked like he or she was about to pass out was being walked, I thought I’d be looking very pink tomorrow; and I forgot when we got home.